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How can you be the bigger person, even when it seems like you’re the one that’s hurting the most? #AMA

Caroline Joanna
Feb 7, 2018

Maybe you got cheated on, maybe you discovered that your idea of this exclusive relationship was vastly contradictory to theirs, or maybe a best friend decided to turn their back on you when you never even saw it coming.

Your friends try to tell you to take the high road and that you’re “better than that,” and as much as you try to listen and abide by their sound advice, you still have to fight back the urge to seek, as harsh as the term sounds, revenge.

You see, that’s exactly what happens when you decide to play by their rules, you are seeking a vengeance towards someone who is not even worthy enough to receive it. 

Full piece: https://thoughtcatalog.com/caroline-rongey/2017/06/instead-of-seeking-revenge-be-the-bigger-person/

Instagram: @carolron

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Do you feel you have reached that level of contentment where you can balance your life? If not, what do you want to do to come closer to that state?

Feb 14, 11:10AM EST0

How long can a person live or work or do things for others without forming expectations? Is it possible and do you think that really helps?

Feb 14, 6:32AM EST0

This may be too personal, but I’m curious as to what your revenge experiences have been? You said in other responses you weren’t cheated on. Was it the end of a friendship you felt like you needed revenge and chose the high road? Was it a scorned lover? Thanks for your honesty <3

Feb 10, 10:07PM EST0

life is hard but we come to earth to learn. that what i think. my question to you is do you feel happy helping people or do you alway feel down and why you feel like that

Feb 10, 1:33PM EST0

How does an atheist ask for forgiveness for sins her/she has committed?

Feb 9, 12:40PM EST0

I don’t think an atheist can ask for forgiveness for sins since they don’t believe that there’s something greater that determines our good and our bad. If you’re feeling guilty about something, it’s important that you don’t walk away from it. It’s important that you let your truth be told, are apologetic in the ways you must, and understand that what follows is out of your control. 

Last edited @ Feb 11, 9:47PM EST.
Feb 11, 9:33PM EST0

Is there anything known as innocent revenge?

Feb 9, 3:37AM EST0

I think innocent actions can come off as revenge through another’s perspective, yet revenge is still a plotted reaction to something. If you’re not doing something with hopes of causing pain or hurt towards another person who caused that upon you, you aren’t being revengeful. You’re just moving onward in a way that may hit too close to home for that person to be seen as anything other than revenge-seeking behavior. 

Last edited @ Feb 11, 9:46PM EST.
Feb 11, 9:36PM EST0

Do you think someone can really influence others to do something wrong?

Feb 8, 9:17AM EST0

Bad influences have been around for forever. Yes, absolutely. Judgment can get clouded by what’s right or wrong when you surround yourself with someone that may make a poor behavior or choice look entirely innocent or not that bad. 

Feb 11, 9:37PM EST0

What according to you is the first step toward the forgiveness, and how can one convince him/herself to do that?

Feb 8, 8:53AM EST1

I really love this quote:  "To understand forgivessness, you must first understand what forgivessness is not." 

Forgiveness doesn't mean that whatever that person did to you or the pain they caused is okay. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to walk away without addressing the problem or act like it never happened. Forgiveness isn't being weak or condoning unjust actions. 

In order to understand these things, you have to convince yourself that this is more about you than it is about them. It's about finding strength, it's about overcoming hardships, and it's about what's waiting for you when this is all over. 

Feb 8, 11:00AM EST0

Do you think people can fix a broken relationship ie become friends again with someone who lift them?

Feb 8, 8:41AM EST1

If you didn't care what anyone thought, what’s your most deeply held aspiration?

Feb 6, 2:56PM EST1

This one is tough. Initally, it’s success, but I feel like that’s 98% of the world’s aspiration as well. 

I think there’s always going to be the thought of getting “there” in the back of my mind, maybe everyone else’s, too. What that “there” is, I have not a clue. 

Things I know I want: 

1) a path that never allows me to turn around and think, “you settled for that.”

2) a healthy family (embracing all that’s possible). 

3) feeling as if I made the impact I could at my fullest capacity. I never want to look back and think I gave anything half of my everything.

Last edited @ Feb 9, 2:11AM EST.
Feb 9, 2:09AM EST0

For every experience, you get: What are the biggest things you have learned?

Feb 6, 12:23PM EST1

Great and tough question. 

1) Know exactly who your most loyal crew is and reciprocate it right back (x 2,000). Great friends should be a part of your highs and are crucial at your lows. 

2) You’re never too old to need you mom. Call your ma for any and everything. 

3) Drop your pride and be humble. There’s always going to be someone out there who is absolutely crushing it, regardless of how great you may be. 

4) Be realistic, not pessimistic or optimistic. Your situation may go well. It may also go poorly. Each are a part of life. We all have to accept the cards we’ve been dealt. 

5) Give what you can and still do you. Selfishness can be a nasty quality when it’s your defining one. Selflessness can be just as bad when it’s flying solo. Balance. 

Last edited @ Feb 7, 12:14AM EST.
Feb 6, 11:51PM EST1

Do you think Praying, Meditating, and Journaling can help a person become more strong and leave the past behind?

Feb 6, 9:26AM EST1

For me, it’s writing and yoga. This is really personal, but if it’s something that allows you to reflect and heal at the same time, absolutely. I believe there’s a strength every individual can find in themselves when they can utilize the best, most nurturing outlet and give it your undivided presence  and attention to help you process your situation.  The mind and heart like to play tricks on each other, so forcing the two to “get along” for some soul searching can be exactly what each needs to heal. 

Last edited @ Feb 6, 11:43PM EST.
Feb 6, 11:35PM EST0

As a soulful writer, what would you choose as your spirit animal/avatar and why?

Feb 6, 1:16AM EST0

If your boyfriend follows a lot of Instagram models/hotties  - how do you become the bigger person 

Feb 5, 9:37PM EST0

How can someone prevent a current situation from becoming a regret?

Feb 5, 7:48PM EST0

I think being open to whatever the outcome may be in an uncertain circumstance is the most important thing a person can do. If you feel you're hopeful for something to happen, regardless of what that may be, then you need to be honest: first with yourself and then with them. If the two of you aren’t on the same page, then you have to know what you'll allow. It may be hard to walk away, but regret and hurt will be even harder.

Last edited @ Feb 7, 12:37AM EST.
Feb 6, 7:47PM EST0

Do you strongly feel that time heals everything or is it just a way to make things sound positive when a person is left with no other option but to let go and forgive and move on?

Feb 5, 2:04PM EST0

Do you think someone could be a writer if they don’t feel emotions strongly?

Feb 5, 6:40AM EST0

I do, but not the type of writer that focuses on personal circumstances. There’s amazing writers out there, even if they don’t choose to write about topics that require emotions or feelings. If writing is your thing, whatever way that it is, go for it. For me, it’s what I’ve done for years, as a personal outlet, and only in the past year or so have I used it to try and help others. 

Last edited @ Feb 7, 8:00PM EST.
Feb 7, 7:59PM EST0

What new skills can a person develop for work or for personal satisfaction?

Feb 5, 4:10AM EST1

If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do?

Feb 4, 6:51PM EST1

What are you currently working on? Any book or blog? Where can one read your writings?

Feb 4, 5:21PM EST0

I think I just was inspired for a new piece from a previous reply on this thread. I don’t have any books, but I do wish I had the patience to try and attempt it. If you have any suggestions or topics you’d like to see, let me know! I’m always looking for new inspiration. 

My published work can be found on Thought Catalog: https://thoughtcatalog.com/caroline-rongey/. 

Feb 7, 7:56PM EST0

What are the signs that a person is ready for a new relationship?

Jan 31, 8:18PM EST0

1) You're not looking for someone to fill the void of missing someone else. 

2) You're not trying to get back or even with your ex.

3) You aren't comparing your new partner to your former, even if they’re only good comparisons. New relationship means new everything; don't bring the past into your present. 

Last edited @ Feb 11, 9:38PM EST.
Feb 8, 11:06AM EST0

Have you gone through a similar experience? Who helped you go through it all?

Jan 31, 3:11PM EST0

What is the best way to recover from hurt? What are your tips to those going through the pains of a breakup?

Jan 31, 9:19AM EST0

What books are your reading about love and relationships? Which books inspire you the most?

Jan 31, 9:18AM EST0

I’m not currently reading any books about dating or relationships. As a teacher, I am typically only diving into texts that are covered in class. 

I follow a ton of relationship-focused sites on Facebook, though: The Bolde, Thought Catalog, Elite Daily, etc. Some are irrelevant, many are helpful, and a few can inspire my own pieces. 

Feb 11, 9:41PM EST0

How often should you forgive your partner, especially in matters of infidelity?

Jan 31, 7:49AM EST0

Once, if that. Infidelity happens so often, but the situations and the pain are all too personal to tell. I think the factors leading up to, the ones that played a part in it, and the current level of commitment are each something to consider. People cheat, without good reason, and it should never be justified. Yet, sometimes the most horrible thing in a relationship can help provide the most clarity. 

Feb 11, 9:44PM EST0

Where do you usually get advise in terms of love and relationships?

Jan 31, 7:17AM EST1

I think your friends can be a great resource for advice giving. They know when someone's a potential match for you, and they also have an idea of who may be not. I typically go to my closest girlfriends, as I know they'll be honest, as I would do the exact same for them.

Feb 7, 6:25PM EST0

How do you want to see yourself as a writer 3-5 years from now?

Jan 31, 3:14AM EST1

I would love to have more work published, a site of my own, and to be able to write regularly, not just when I have the time. If that's in a more professional role, great. It really depends on my willingness to keep up with it and how much I foresee it being an actual reality of my to have as a full-time career. Cue: ambition. 

Feb 7, 6:27PM EST0

What are some of your biggest dreams in life?

Jan 31, 1:34AM EST1

Are you writing from your own experience? Will you share your own story?

Jan 30, 9:57PM EST1

Hi! 

Anything I write is a mixture of a few things: 1) my personal experiences, 2) the people I love the most and their situations, and 3) my perception of what many may be going through. 

I have been the giver of betrayal. I have been the receiver of it, as well. I think we all have and most certainly will at many times throughout life. The point is that no one person is perfect; we all make mistakes. We all also endure pain that isn’t fair. It’s how you choose to handle your circumstance that really defines the outcome. 

As mentioned, I have been dishonest. I haven’t been loyal, at times. I’ve regretted the pain I’ve caused. Yet, I’ve also felt those in many ways from others. It was the point where I dealt with it all at once that gave me the most clarity on how I could best move forward from it, not allowing myself to cause more pain from allowing my own to dictate my reaction(s). 

Last edited @ Jan 30, 11:10PM EST.
Jan 30, 10:21PM EST1

Does it not sound unfair that you got cheated on, have been hurt much, and you just let the person walk away without getting even? Being the biggest person does not sound easy at all.

Jan 30, 1:28PM EST1

You're right. That sounds completely unfair, and it very much is. 

Being the bigger person isn't easy. If it was, everyone would be able to do it. In the end, and this I promise from my own experiences, it ends up saving you from even more hurt and pain. That person doesn't deserve you, not even your hurt or your anger. They don't deserve to know you still care enough to want them to know exactly the same feelings they caused you to have . Walk away, and your strength will follow in no time. 

Last edited @ Feb 7, 8:49PM EST.
Feb 7, 6:34PM EST0

"But your revenge won’t help you, and most likely, it will just help whoever made you feel this way justify their actions.

By all means, don’t let this pain and hardship turn you into someone you inherently are not. Don’t let someone guide you towards selfish, hateful words or actions.

They didn’t chose the same path as you because they are not the same, genuine soul that you are.They didn’t and may never have the capacity to seek the elegant, more difficult route.

Find the real blessing in disguise from all this pain: you." 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/caroline-rongey/2017/06/instead-of-seeking-revenge-be-the-bigger-person/

Feb 7, 6:35PM EST0

It is a normal reaction to seek revenge. How do you muster up enough strength not to fight back?

Jan 30, 10:19AM EST1

You have to remember that revenge isn’t going to help you. You are who should be your main priority when it comes to healing. If you choose to team up with revenge as your sidekick, you’re allowing that person to be one of the largest priorities, if not the only, in your life, whether it seems like it or not. Stay busy, do something extraordinary for yourself or for somebody, and remember what life was like without them. Even if you don’t want to let go, revenge isn’t going to keep anyone around. Even if you want them to understand your pain, revenge will never do that. Even if you can’t let them “get away with this”, revenge actually does. 

Sounds crazy, I know. Getting even with or back at someone puts you on their playing field. You can’t do that to you.

Last edited @ Feb 7, 8:09PM EST.
Feb 7, 8:07PM EST0

Who is your favorite “love doctor”? Do you have one?

Jan 29, 11:51PM EST0

What do you usually do when you want to relax?

Jan 29, 11:01PM EST1

Any and everything that helps me forget about whatever my mind won’t let go of on its own. My top picks are my favorite “feel goods”: writing, yoga, long phone calls with a really, really good friend, seeing a movie, and/or a tall glass of red wine. Surround yourself with those that are soul-soothing, and if you can’t, find a way to soothe yourself :).

Last edited @ Jan 30, 10:56PM EST.
Jan 30, 10:56PM EST0

Music, too. A good playlist can always help. 

Jan 30, 10:57PM EST0

What was the most difficult challenge you have encountered in your life and how did you overcome it?

Jan 29, 9:03PM EST1

How can you tell that the relationship is not moving in the right direction?

Jan 29, 5:32PM EST1

I think it depends on where the relationship is at. At first, you’ll go through a ton of ups and downs. Questioning everything. Is this what I want? Is this person my forever or just my now? What if I get hurt? 

After the initial has passed and it’s been established for a while, I really think it comes down to priorities and the idea of long term happiness.

Do you each of you value the same things? If not, is there a healthy mix of both? 

Do you find yourself happy, minus the small, irrelevant arguments? Do they seem happy? 

Do you each see an end goal?

Those questions are tough, and they are extremely dependent upon both sides. You have to know what your partner wants and prioritizes. Relationships succeed because of communication; they fail, undoubtedly, without it. 

Last edited @ Jan 30, 11:05PM EST.
Jan 30, 11:03PM EST0
What is more hurting, being cheated by your partner or by your best friend? Have you had a similar experience?
Jan 29, 4:49AM EST2

Both are completely hard and horrible situations. Losing friends can really, really hurt because they are supposed to be your person and the most loyal. Relationships and infidelity, sadly, are almost synonymous. I think two partners, though the work is completely hard, can recover from cheating much easier than friendships can, if that's even possible. 

I haven't been cheated on by a partner, but I have been extremely hurt by a friend. That friendship isn't a friendship anymore, if that tells you anything. 

Last edited @ Feb 7, 7:52PM EST.
Feb 7, 6:31PM EST0